I stopped writing before Christmas. As I've mentioned countless times, Christmas is the happiest time of year to always beat the crap out of me. It's like walking into Disneyland only to get punched in the kidneys by Mickey Mouse - every year. This year my Christmas was in Washington DC, on account of that being where my parents now live, which added an extra dimension of required logistical planning.
***
My condition for going to Washington DC was to do a tour on a Segway. I love Segways, they are the epitome of hilarious excess. The tour leader for my tour group soon figured out that the group's only interest was in zipping the machines around as fast as we could and not so much in actually seeing the sights.
We saw a lot of sights. We also spun around in circles a lot. Segways can turn a group of mature adults into a gaggle of cats to be herded. It was excellently fun for me, since I didn't have to be the mature tour guide doing the herding.
***
Christmas was meltdown free from Elspeth, though Esther took up the mantle with an epic three-year-old tantrum in the locker room of the local pool. After it took my mom and my sister to put her in her pyjamas, I took her out of ear range of my sister so that her ears could stop ringing and let Esther scream.
Eventually I said: "Wow, all that screaming must really hurt your throat."
She stopped screaming and said: "Yeah." Then there was a long pause and she said in a small voice. "I want to have some milk."
So then we took her back and she asked if she could please have some milk (the please was, of course, prompted) and then she got it and that was that.
***
My most exciting memory of Christmas 2013 has to be the airplane trip back. I don't like paying the $25 checked luggage fee, so I brought what could be called 'carry on luggage' if you stretch the definition and then get Mickey Mouse to punch it in the kidneys. On the way there it was reasonably empty; I'd bought my presents online and had them shipped to my parents' house. On the way back, it was stuffed with the presents I'd gotten. I'd jammed them all in without thinking.
I made it to two feet in front of the TSA checkpoint. I had taken off my shoes. I had put my luggage on the little rolling thing. And THEN I realized that one of my presents was a nail clipper that was in a red pleather case.
I should go check my bag. I thought to myself. Then I looked back over the huge line-up and thought of the pain that $25 would add to the already large pile of holiday expenses. Then I thought, Fuck it. Let them catch it and I'll gift them with a red pleather case full of manicure supplies.
So, I watched as they scanned my bag, then re-scanned it, then called a friend over to come look at what-the-hell-this was. And as I looked over the woman's shoulder, I realized that it wasn't in fact my nail clipper that they had a problem with. They were looking at my magnet set, a gift from Adrienne.
Admittedly, through an X-ray machine, it looks a lot like a bomb. The TSA people liked my explanation better.
Having gotten through the TSA, I then waited in the airport for 7 hours because of a plane delay caused by bad weather in Ottawa. I was too stubborn to leave because then they might find the nail clipper and make me check my luggage and pay $25. It was a direct flight.
***
By the time that I got to Ottawa at an unreasonably late hour, there was still a Custom's Agent. She patiently listened while I babbled about my presents as I tried to explain them to her to see if I needed to pay any taxes.
"I got a magnet set..." I said. "And, um, a label for my backpack - it's a frog - and... um... and a... oh! I got a Terry Pratchett book! Um..."
"Just go," she said.
And just like that I was home and Christmas was over.
Friday, May 3, 2013
Thursday, May 2, 2013
Change of Tone
The changing seasons are usually a sign that I will start writing. Sometimes it's in the fall, sometimes it's in the spring. This year, it was both - I thought that I didn't blog at all this fall. It turns out that I did! How's that for consistency.
If there's one thing that I've learned over the last few years of blogging (on and off, of course) and reading blogs (at which I've been much more diligent - though you'd never know, because I don't comment) is that I don't really care very much about peoples' feelings, peoples' political/religious views or peoples' vacations.
I'll spare you from having to go look back into my archives, realizing that I talked about all of those things and realizing that that makes me hypocritical. I did talk about them, and having realized that it makes me hypocritical got me thinking. Reading back on the old posts can be exasperating. What was I thinking? Was my life really that bad? Could the time that I spent writing about my sad or vague feelings have been better spent to actually do something?
(The answers to these non-hypothetical questions are respectively: not much; no; and yes.)
So I'm back now, and I hope to be different about how I write from now on. You'll notice that the side bar now has some 'words to live by' for writers. They're not mine, nor did I find them myself; I stole the quote from here.
If there's one thing that I've learned over the last few years of blogging (on and off, of course) and reading blogs (at which I've been much more diligent - though you'd never know, because I don't comment) is that I don't really care very much about peoples' feelings, peoples' political/religious views or peoples' vacations.
I'll spare you from having to go look back into my archives, realizing that I talked about all of those things and realizing that that makes me hypocritical. I did talk about them, and having realized that it makes me hypocritical got me thinking. Reading back on the old posts can be exasperating. What was I thinking? Was my life really that bad? Could the time that I spent writing about my sad or vague feelings have been better spent to actually do something?
(The answers to these non-hypothetical questions are respectively: not much; no; and yes.)
So I'm back now, and I hope to be different about how I write from now on. You'll notice that the side bar now has some 'words to live by' for writers. They're not mine, nor did I find them myself; I stole the quote from here.
Saturday, December 8, 2012
People against vagueness
So, vagueblogging is this thing where you blog about the big feelings that you happen to be having at the moment, without giving voice to what is actually happening (because the internet is a big scary place and... stalkers!). I read about it recently on a site that I am hesitant to name.
Big feelings may be big - they may be so big that they are about things you can't talk about. Divorces, deaths, workplace bullying - these lead to big things, but you can't always talk about them widely. What you say can be used against you. So, you might blog vaguely and say that 'things are going on' or that 'a lot is on my mind'. These are true, but they are vague and irritating and probably even irritating for the writer to read in a few years (why WAS I so unhappy?)
Or maybe, the big feelings are not actually big. They may be more subtle - a feeling of malaise, perhaps. Some irritatingly small dissatisfaction that lurks in your subconsious despite urges to stuff it aside. Just plain irritation at the world in general with nothing to base it on.
I'm pleased to say that in my life at present there are no divorces, deaths or workplace bullying (happening to ME, at any rate). I am presently dealing with the little niggling feelings of malaise that come from my general stress in and around the Christmas season that make me want to say "Season's Effing Greetings" to all of my dearest relatives and then take off on an airplane to Iqaluit on account of the fact that no one will follow me there. I might take Adrienne, too. She's just as grouchy as me and so we could glare at each other from across the rental hotel room.
We're two Grinches rooming together this splendid holiday season. The house's paltry decorations (comprised of several bulbs that don't have any place to hang and one clove-stuffed orange that Adrienne keeps threatening to throw out) sit stored in the basement.
If anyone's wondered where I've been, that's where. I've been sparing you all from a daily vague update about my current emotional state of being. Because it's not shit, but it's not super.
(Also, it's extra annoying because my life right now is not terrible. I'm entering into a stage of my existence--ie. the state where I've saved up money and vacation time--where I may get to go on trips to various interesting and exciting places and I'm psyched! And also grouchy. So there we have it.)
Big feelings may be big - they may be so big that they are about things you can't talk about. Divorces, deaths, workplace bullying - these lead to big things, but you can't always talk about them widely. What you say can be used against you. So, you might blog vaguely and say that 'things are going on' or that 'a lot is on my mind'. These are true, but they are vague and irritating and probably even irritating for the writer to read in a few years (why WAS I so unhappy?)
Or maybe, the big feelings are not actually big. They may be more subtle - a feeling of malaise, perhaps. Some irritatingly small dissatisfaction that lurks in your subconsious despite urges to stuff it aside. Just plain irritation at the world in general with nothing to base it on.
I'm pleased to say that in my life at present there are no divorces, deaths or workplace bullying (happening to ME, at any rate). I am presently dealing with the little niggling feelings of malaise that come from my general stress in and around the Christmas season that make me want to say "Season's Effing Greetings" to all of my dearest relatives and then take off on an airplane to Iqaluit on account of the fact that no one will follow me there. I might take Adrienne, too. She's just as grouchy as me and so we could glare at each other from across the rental hotel room.
We're two Grinches rooming together this splendid holiday season. The house's paltry decorations (comprised of several bulbs that don't have any place to hang and one clove-stuffed orange that Adrienne keeps threatening to throw out) sit stored in the basement.
If anyone's wondered where I've been, that's where. I've been sparing you all from a daily vague update about my current emotional state of being. Because it's not shit, but it's not super.
(Also, it's extra annoying because my life right now is not terrible. I'm entering into a stage of my existence--ie. the state where I've saved up money and vacation time--where I may get to go on trips to various interesting and exciting places and I'm psyched! And also grouchy. So there we have it.)
Friday, November 2, 2012
Do-overs
So, the other day I was talking about optimism. If you missed it, I'll re-summarize what I have learned about optimism, thanks to the book 'Learned Optimism'.
1 - You don't want to be a pessimist. Being a pessimist sucks. It makes you sicker, less likeable, less successful and less motivated.
2 - You can tell that you are a pessimist if you: take failure personally; think that failure will last forever; and think that a failure permeates your entire existence.
3 - You can tell that you are a pessimist if you: take success as a fluke; think that success will be fleeting; and think that a success is a highly localized event.
4 - You can tell you are an optimist if you make the opposite assumptions to a pessimist. (And, according to the book, being an optimist is awesome and makes you fart rainbows)
Today I was looking at pictures of myself taken before we left for the Halloween party on Friday night. In the pictures, I am wearing my super awesome Halloween costume that took me two and a half weeks of dedicated work (and then looked good, which is an excellent outcome for such efforts).
I looked at them and thought:
"Ugh, my hair is frizzy. My hair is always frizzy and ugly. I hate my hair."
"Ugh, my tooth is snaggly and sticking straight out. How could anyone like anyone with a snaggle tooth?"
After looking and re-looking at the pictures for a bunch of minutes (or a half hour... I will admit to being vain), I came to terms with them. They're not ugly pictures, they're me. And I'm good looking.
I'm a big believer in do-overs. How can I do-over those sentences so that they're optimistic.
"Man, those goggles really frizzed out my hair. It really helps me look like a mad scientist!"
"Wow, I guess the curling iron screwed up and instead of curling my hair, it made it stupid frizzy. That's annoying. Maybe it's broken."
"Wow, the shading is awful, it really exaggerates my tooth. I bet no one else notices; practically no one looks at people's teeth."
Little by little.
1 - You don't want to be a pessimist. Being a pessimist sucks. It makes you sicker, less likeable, less successful and less motivated.
2 - You can tell that you are a pessimist if you: take failure personally; think that failure will last forever; and think that a failure permeates your entire existence.
3 - You can tell that you are a pessimist if you: take success as a fluke; think that success will be fleeting; and think that a success is a highly localized event.
4 - You can tell you are an optimist if you make the opposite assumptions to a pessimist. (And, according to the book, being an optimist is awesome and makes you fart rainbows)
Today I was looking at pictures of myself taken before we left for the Halloween party on Friday night. In the pictures, I am wearing my super awesome Halloween costume that took me two and a half weeks of dedicated work (and then looked good, which is an excellent outcome for such efforts).
I looked at them and thought:
"Ugh, my hair is frizzy. My hair is always frizzy and ugly. I hate my hair."
"Ugh, my tooth is snaggly and sticking straight out. How could anyone like anyone with a snaggle tooth?"
After looking and re-looking at the pictures for a bunch of minutes (or a half hour... I will admit to being vain), I came to terms with them. They're not ugly pictures, they're me. And I'm good looking.
I'm a big believer in do-overs. How can I do-over those sentences so that they're optimistic.
"Man, those goggles really frizzed out my hair. It really helps me look like a mad scientist!"
"Wow, I guess the curling iron screwed up and instead of curling my hair, it made it stupid frizzy. That's annoying. Maybe it's broken."
"Wow, the shading is awful, it really exaggerates my tooth. I bet no one else notices; practically no one looks at people's teeth."
Little by little.
Thursday, November 1, 2012
Did I mention how much I hate scheduling?
"So there's a party tomorrow," Adrienne says.
"K" I say.
"It's a drop in thing at S's house,"
"Cool!" I say.
"Some people are going there for supper," she continues. I smile and nod. This is, after all, valuable information.
"I'm emailing my boyfriend," Adrienne continues. "To tell him timings, in case he wants to come. So, what time do you think we'll show up at the party?"
Damn. I hate coming up with timings for things.
"Maybe at eight," I hazard.
"EIGHT?!?" Adrienne says. This is clearly not the right answer.
"Seven?" I hazard. "Six?"
I honestly don't care when we go. Adrienne frowns. "Why are you giving me a funny look?" she asks.
"When do YOU want to go?"
Adrienne ponders for a few seconds. "Maybe six thirty."
And it is decided.
"K" I say.
"It's a drop in thing at S's house,"
"Cool!" I say.
"Some people are going there for supper," she continues. I smile and nod. This is, after all, valuable information.
"I'm emailing my boyfriend," Adrienne continues. "To tell him timings, in case he wants to come. So, what time do you think we'll show up at the party?"
Damn. I hate coming up with timings for things.
"Maybe at eight," I hazard.
"EIGHT?!?" Adrienne says. This is clearly not the right answer.
"Seven?" I hazard. "Six?"
I honestly don't care when we go. Adrienne frowns. "Why are you giving me a funny look?" she asks.
"When do YOU want to go?"
Adrienne ponders for a few seconds. "Maybe six thirty."
And it is decided.
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
Been looking through a few old books
Taken from my older sister's Dictée book.
29 mai 1991
1. une rose (correct!)
2. un musée (correct!)
3. un zig-zag (correct!)
4. la musque (actually - musique)
5. Zellers (correct!)
Zellers? As a spelling word? My sister had a weird teacher.
31 mai 1991
1. une maison (correct!)
2. une surprise (correct!)
3. un ouieau (actually - oiseau)
4. une église (correct!)
5. l'ozone (correct!)
My sister didn't go to a religious school. Interesting that church (église) was one of her spelling words. And then they followed it up with ozone. Yes, back when the hole in the ozone layer was something that we paid attention to. Now it is the new normal (also, to my understanding, growing back)
29 mai 1991
1. une rose (correct!)
2. un musée (correct!)
3. un zig-zag (correct!)
4. la musque (actually - musique)
5. Zellers (correct!)
Zellers? As a spelling word? My sister had a weird teacher.
31 mai 1991
1. une maison (correct!)
2. une surprise (correct!)
3. un ouieau (actually - oiseau)
4. une église (correct!)
5. l'ozone (correct!)
My sister didn't go to a religious school. Interesting that church (église) was one of her spelling words. And then they followed it up with ozone. Yes, back when the hole in the ozone layer was something that we paid attention to. Now it is the new normal (also, to my understanding, growing back)
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Old writing, new light
Right now, I find it hard to write without having my buffer, my security blanket, built up. I'm going to write a few entries, focusing on entries that I made in an old notebook that I carried around. I think that it's interesting to look back.
I won't bore you with the massive amounts of pages, but I'll give some clips.
***
5 July 2010 - Written at a course held by my work.
I'm not sure if i'll be able to do Stream of Consciousness writing with all of this noise and kerfuffle. It makes it very hard to think with people talking loudly about the plots of movies.
... There's a lot of skills that they think are important. At least 25 years of experience required! Obviously they have to work on policy development.
...How would I live this day if I knew it would be my last?
- I would probably walk out of this course. I'd go to a beach and swim around and be almost totally alone and no one would be pulling on me from all sides. I could have myself removed from their existence and could feel free, like I was flying, like I was no longer tied down. It's like how every time I reach out and make a stand, I get strange looks and then I shoot myself down. My parents' house used to be a good, relaxing place, but now it feels very cramped. It's the same with our house, there is so much stuff inside that it feels very small. If I knew that it was my last day, I would disappear.
There is always a way around the system. If you are clever and fallible then you will be able to accomplish everything that you conceive. What I am learning to do is to put my all into a few things. To do them well, do them intensely and do them completely. There is nothing worse in the mind of a person like myself than to have done something incompletely.
The guy presenting suggested that leaders should be developed and identified starting in HIGH SCHOOL. What is the procedure for people (like me) with a low need for power and a strong need to be isolated? I guess.. you isolate them and then you let them work. But that wouldn't work for me.
...
What do I have to be grateful for in my life?
- I can be grateful for my tremendous luck. There is nothing that I did to deserve what I ended up getting, so it behooves me to use everything to their best effect.
...
What can I do to make today incredibly fun?
- Reading my book all the way to the end and playing my video game on the Bosu Ball.
...
What one thing could I do today to make my life extraordinary?
- ... This question is too hard. It requires that I have a vision in my head about what my life would be like if it WAS awesome to begin with.
...
Business idea: Even if you don't develop the tool that you wanted to, you could always write the book on how to use it.
...
Ender's Game is like a fable that explains 'The Secret'.
***
I didn't want to comment, but wow. Just, wow. It's always amazing to me how SOC writing brings out what's under the surface. On the advice of the Life Coach that I worked with all summer, I read the book 'Learned Optimism' by Martin Seligman.
If you don't want to read the book, I'll summarize it in 4 bullet points:
1 - You don't want to be a pessimist. Being a pessimist sucks. It makes you sicker, less likeable, less successful and less motivated.
2 - You can tell that you are a pessimist if you: take failure personally; think that failure will last forever; and think that a failure permeates your entire existence.
3 - You can tell that you are a pessimist if you: take success as a fluke; think that success will be fleeting; and think that a success is a highly localized event.
4 - You can tell you are an optimist if you make the opposite assumptions to a pessimist. (And, according to the book, being an optimist is awesome and makes you fart rainbows)
So... I'll highlight the phrases that give me a real optimistic tone back in the day:
- It's like how every time I reach out and make a stand, I get strange looks and then I shoot myself down. (permanent, bad thing)
- There is nothing that I did to deserve what I ended up getting... (impersonal, good thing)
- But that wouldn't work for me. (personal, bad thing)
Those are the only three examples that I can find above. But, when Adrienne said that she found my old writing to be really depressing, I wonder if she wasn't homing in on the pessimism that under-wrote everything that I was doing at the time.
... and I have no idea how Ender's Game is like a fable that explains 'The Secret'.
I won't bore you with the massive amounts of pages, but I'll give some clips.
***
5 July 2010 - Written at a course held by my work.
I'm not sure if i'll be able to do Stream of Consciousness writing with all of this noise and kerfuffle. It makes it very hard to think with people talking loudly about the plots of movies.
... There's a lot of skills that they think are important. At least 25 years of experience required! Obviously they have to work on policy development.
...How would I live this day if I knew it would be my last?
- I would probably walk out of this course. I'd go to a beach and swim around and be almost totally alone and no one would be pulling on me from all sides. I could have myself removed from their existence and could feel free, like I was flying, like I was no longer tied down. It's like how every time I reach out and make a stand, I get strange looks and then I shoot myself down. My parents' house used to be a good, relaxing place, but now it feels very cramped. It's the same with our house, there is so much stuff inside that it feels very small. If I knew that it was my last day, I would disappear.
There is always a way around the system. If you are clever and fallible then you will be able to accomplish everything that you conceive. What I am learning to do is to put my all into a few things. To do them well, do them intensely and do them completely. There is nothing worse in the mind of a person like myself than to have done something incompletely.
The guy presenting suggested that leaders should be developed and identified starting in HIGH SCHOOL. What is the procedure for people (like me) with a low need for power and a strong need to be isolated? I guess.. you isolate them and then you let them work. But that wouldn't work for me.
...
What do I have to be grateful for in my life?
- I can be grateful for my tremendous luck. There is nothing that I did to deserve what I ended up getting, so it behooves me to use everything to their best effect.
...
What can I do to make today incredibly fun?
- Reading my book all the way to the end and playing my video game on the Bosu Ball.
...
What one thing could I do today to make my life extraordinary?
- ... This question is too hard. It requires that I have a vision in my head about what my life would be like if it WAS awesome to begin with.
...
Business idea: Even if you don't develop the tool that you wanted to, you could always write the book on how to use it.
...
Ender's Game is like a fable that explains 'The Secret'.
***
I didn't want to comment, but wow. Just, wow. It's always amazing to me how SOC writing brings out what's under the surface. On the advice of the Life Coach that I worked with all summer, I read the book 'Learned Optimism' by Martin Seligman.
If you don't want to read the book, I'll summarize it in 4 bullet points:
1 - You don't want to be a pessimist. Being a pessimist sucks. It makes you sicker, less likeable, less successful and less motivated.
2 - You can tell that you are a pessimist if you: take failure personally; think that failure will last forever; and think that a failure permeates your entire existence.
3 - You can tell that you are a pessimist if you: take success as a fluke; think that success will be fleeting; and think that a success is a highly localized event.
4 - You can tell you are an optimist if you make the opposite assumptions to a pessimist. (And, according to the book, being an optimist is awesome and makes you fart rainbows)
So... I'll highlight the phrases that give me a real optimistic tone back in the day:
- It's like how every time I reach out and make a stand, I get strange looks and then I shoot myself down. (permanent, bad thing)
- There is nothing that I did to deserve what I ended up getting... (impersonal, good thing)
- But that wouldn't work for me. (personal, bad thing)
Those are the only three examples that I can find above. But, when Adrienne said that she found my old writing to be really depressing, I wonder if she wasn't homing in on the pessimism that under-wrote everything that I was doing at the time.
... and I have no idea how Ender's Game is like a fable that explains 'The Secret'.
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